VINCENT TAN AGREES TO CARDIFF KIT CHANGE

Cardiff City fans might argue that the decision to change their kit from the traditional blue to red has not yielded the best results following their relegation from the Premier League but should rest easy knowing that owner Vincent Tan has a new plan up his sleeve.

Looking to garner more interest in the club from abroad he is now taking to the South American markets, starting with Bolivia. Tan believes that this extra support, should he be able to gather it for his club, will give the impetus required to win immediate promotion back to the Premier League and then stay there.

The Bovine Blues: How Cardiff could be looking next season

In Bolivia, they believe that the colour pink, along with cows and circular shapes, bring good fortune and prosperity and Tan has unveiled his plans to tap in to this with a new kit for the 2014-15 season.

A Cardiff spokesperson spoke to us regarding the announcement:

“Obviously Vincent and everyone at Cardiff are disappointed at relegation this season but now it’s about looking forward and planning how we bounce back from it. This new kit design is the first step on that journey. Beyond how good it looks, we believe this will give us the edge both on the pitch in terms of making the team play better but also off it, where we are sure fans will flock to purchase their own replica shirt.”

The club have also announced that they are opening up a Cardiff City megastore in Bolivian capital La Paz to cope with the expected increase in demand in the region.

ENTIRE SQUAD SET TO LEAVE SOUTHAMPTON AND CLUB TO RE-BRAND AS ICE HOCKEY FRANCHISE

TIFN can exclusively reveal that the entirety of the Southampton squad is set to leave the club this summer.

Owner Katharina Liebherr and new chairman Ralph Krueger have spent the last few weeks laying out a new plan for the direction of the club and the decision is believed to have been taken to re-brand Southampton as an ice hockey franchise.

Ice Cold: Liebherr and Krueger

Krueger, known for his work at the Edmonton Oilers in the NHL, believes this new direction to be a prosperous one for the club.

Our sources close to the club have revealed that the entire roster of the current Southampton squad will leave the club this summer with the exception of Jos Hooiveld and Rickie Lambert, whom it is believed could adapt to the new direction of the club.

Whilst nothing official has yet been announced it is understood the board will do so within days.

It is not yet known whether a new name has been chosen but Liebherr and Krueger are rumoured to be leaning toward changing the name of the club to ‘Southampton Sailors’ and renaming the St Mary’s Stadium the ‘Veho Ultradome’.

Whilst there are sure to be some fans of the club who will resent the shift in sport, the majority are expected to be glad of the move away from football toward a sport that the club can truly compete in at the highest level.

WORLD CUP OPENING CEREMONY TO BE DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON, TO BE THREE PARTS

With the World Cup in Brazil just 31 days away, it has been announced today that the opening ceremony will be directed by Peter Jackson. At the press conference, Jackson himself outlined his vision for what he called “An epic story begging to be told”

“Obviously there’s been some eyebrows raised as it’s not a format I’m used to working with but after a week of meetings with the relevant people in FIFA and the CBF [the Brazilian football association], we were able to nail down some truly spectacular ideas and I can’t wait to get started on it.”

Jackson has vowed to do his best to keep both fans of football and cinema happy.

Further to the announcement, a spokesperson for FIFA gave out a few more details on the project.

“We knew we needed something big. It’s no secret that the organisation of the tournament has had its share of ups and downs but we are confident that we can make it up with an opening ceremony on the scale we’re looking at with Peter on board and that everyone will forget all about the earlier teething problems. The ceremony will be split in to three parts as we feel that is necessary to allow for the characters to drive the story.”

Already rumoured to be signed up to the project are Robert Downey Jnr as Cristiano Ronaldo, Kiefer Sutherland as Lionel Messi, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Sepp Blatter and Mike Myers is set to reprise his role as the voice of Wayne Rooney.

SUNDERLAND ACCUSED OF BLASPHEMY, GUS POYET LABELLED ‘ANTICHRIST’

Resurgent Sunderland could be ending their season on a sour note after local churches have labelled the club a "source of blasphemy" and manager Gus Poyet an 'Antichrist'.

Poyet first claimed, prior to the team’s recent upturn in form, that they required a ‘miracle’ to survive before making a ‘leap of faith’ and placing confidence in striker Connor Wickham and whilst these comments themselves drew only mild concerns from those of a religious disposition, some within local churches felt inclined to look deeper. We spoke to Reg Thompson, a vicar at one of these churches.

“We weren’t happy at hearing Mr Poyet’s comments, using religious terms for his own gain is blasphemous and we had plans to write a letter to Sunderland F.C. advising them as such but we began to hear rumours of more ominous things taking place at the club and sent some missionaries in for a closer look. What we uncovered would make any Godly man shiver.”

Thompson went on to explain what they uncovered that has led to them labelling Poyet the ‘Antichrist’.

“Our missionaries observed a training session led by Mr Poyet and saw him placing his hands over players to ‘bless’ them ahead of important football matches, he sits them down on the eve of these matches round a table for supper and claims that the food and drink he offers represent his body and soul that he has poured in to the club and that by consuming them, the players become one with him. What was even weirder was that he only had five loaves of bread yet managed to feed the entire squad. It’s unnatural and ungodly. Something needs to be done to put an end to this Antichrist.”

What the Reverend Gus could be on the verge of inciting

The local churches are planning a protest at the Stadium of Light, to enlighten fans about the methods being used by their club.

It is not even the first time this season that a Sunderland boss has gotten them in to trouble. Sacked manager Paolo Di Canio caused trouble earlier in the season when he planted a horse's head in Alan Pardew's back garden.