FIFA LAUNCH INVESTIGATION IN TO JAMES RODRIGUEZ

The 2014 World Cup has been lit up by exciting, attacking football, lots of a goals and some great individual performances. Arguably most prominently among those performances have been those of Colombian James Rodriguez who has gone from being a young emerging talent to a footballer of undoubted world class.

However it has been revealed that Rodriguez is at the centre of an investigation by FIFA following Colombia’s quarter final defeat at the hands of Brazil as it is believed that Rodriguez may be under the control of insects.

Whilst the picture of a giant insect on the arm of Rodriguez has been circulating online it has alerted FIFA to the possibility that the player is at the forefront of an ambitious move by insects to take us and make us human slaves in their Insect Nation.

Whether he is a willing co-conspirator or succumbed to insect powers is unknown and something FIFA will be keen to get to the bottom of but the fact remains that nobody saw the insect land on Rodriguez, increasing speculation that the insect may have in fact come from INSIDE of the Colombian where it was controlling him.

William Bailey is a key campaigner in the fight to raise awareness of insect plans for world domination and spoke to TIF News Desk:

“We’re not surprised by this move from the insects, they will seek to infiltrate and take over every aspect of our lives and force us to live in their new world. They’ve been eyeing up your car, your job and your life for a very long time and for us this confirms our worst fears; that the insects have become powerful enough to feel comfortable revealing their presence and that a strike is imminent.”

The FIFA investigation continues.

NORTHAMPTON TOWN SET TO RENAME CLUB IN BID TO TURN AROUND FORTUNES

Following a disappointing campaign last season which saw the club narrowly escape relegation from the Football League, executives at Northampton Town have been hard at work planning strategies to improve the club’s fortunes on the pitch.

After months of brainstorming and the hiring of several smarmy looking people in suits, the club have finally come to a decision on how to proceed ahead of the 2014/15 season and will change the club’s name to Yeshampton Town.

It is believed that officials at Northampton considered their current name to carry too many negative connotations and a lack of can-do attitude; projecting an image of a club that did not believe it could achieve and said so itself in its name.

A spokesperson for Northampton Town told TIF News Desk of the club’s reasoning:

“What do you think of when you hear the word Northampton? It immediately makes you think ‘no’ and that’s the kind of negative feeling we want to get rid of in favour of something more positive. Yeshampton conjures up the belief, it says to anybody facing us that this is a club that does things and is going places.”

Many fans were initially against the proposal but have come round to the idea.

“Your knee-jerk reaction is to say no to this change but then you realise the reason for that is because it’s become engrained in to our mentality after all these years of being Northampton” said Simon Peacock, a Northampton fan.

“The more you consider Yeshampton you come to see how positively it will reflect on the team. ‘Will Yeshampton win the next game? Yes’ it just feels right, you know? I really believe now that we will have a great season."

DONCASTER ROVERS SET TO PLAY THEMSELVES AFTER FIXTURES ERROR

Whilst Premier League champions Manchester City look forward to an opening day trip to Newcastle United and last season’s League One champions Wolves face off against relegated Norwich City in the Championship, fans and officials alike at Doncaster Rovers have been left scratching their heads after the Fixtures Computer has them set to play against themselves this coming League One season.

Where the club was expecting to be playing games against Notts County, the Football League Fixtures Computer has them playing themselves instead.

Doncaster boss Paul Dickov spoke to TIF News Desk:

“Obviously everyone at the club was looking forward to starting our preparations for a season back in League One and doing our best to win promotion again but this has come along and thrown a spanner in the works a bit.

It’s a tough situation, but on the plus side, we’re well aware of our strengths and weaknesses so I’m fairly confident we can exploit those and pick up three points in both games.”

Rovers had contacted the Football League with regards to resolving the error but were told that the Fixtures Computer has a reason for everything and these games are meant to be and would therefore not be changed.

“The Fixture Computer is not to be trifled with.” said a Football League spokesperson. “It is a highly powerful machine that many believe has powers well beyond what we are able to comprehend. Ours is not to question the Fixture Computer.”

You can catch Doncaster’s home game against themselves on October 11^th before they face an away trip against their own side in April.

SPAIN 1 – 5 NETHERLANDS: SPAIN BLAME OPENING DEFEAT ON ‘GHOST OF WORLD CUP PAST’

Defending champions Spain suffered a humiliating 5-1 defeat in their opening World Cup game against The Netherlands yesterday. Goals from Robin van Persie (2), Arjen Robben (2) and Stefan de Vrij cancelled out Xabi Alonso’s early penalty and saw the Dutch put the Spanish to the sword.

Whilst some have credited the Dutch, and coach Louis van Gaal, for their great performance and others have heaped blame on Spanish goalkeeper Iker Casillas and his poor one, head coach Vicente del Bosque revealed to TIF News Desk that the defeat was solely as a result of the Ghost of World Cup Past.

Spain have been the major force in world football for some time now however it was not so long ago that the furthest they had ever progressed in the tournament was the quarter-finals and del Bosque says that he was visited on the eve of yesterday’s game by a spirit from those days.

“I was sitting in my hotel room in my pajamas going over some last minute tactical plans when a strange quiet came over the room” said del Bosque, 63, from Salamanca. “And then just as I was about to shrug it off a pale, white-robed figure emerged from the ether and spoke to me. It spoke to me of the dark ages of Spanish football when we were the only side able to lose on penalties to England, when Paraguayan madman Jose Chilavert kept a clean sheet against us in France and we failed to get out of the group stages.”

It is believed these visions led del Bosque to scrap plans to play a 4-4-2 formation which was much expected after Spanish passing supremo Tiki Taka was ruled out of the tournament however, his fear of taking Spain back to the Dark Times caused a rethink and the formation, and performance, we saw from the Spanish against the Dutch.

Spain’s next game is a vitally important clash with Chile but Ghost of World Cup Present, believed to emanate from Brazil, will be strong and could another visit to del Bosque result in another sub-standard performance and elimination from the tournament for the defending champions?

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP H

Here we are, the eve of the World Cup finals in Brazil and TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and with a microscope whilst wearing an anorak.

We end our previews with Group H, the group being overshadowed by espionage, abuse of the loan system and Vladimir Putin.

Algeria

The Algerian squad may not be looked upon as pre-tournament favourites but the ruthless nature of the Algerian Football Association and head coach Vahid Halilhodzic could very well give them the edge.

The poaching of Tottenham and France ace Nabil Bentaleb was looked upon by many as unsporting behaviour after the midfielder betrayed the country of his birth and switched allegiance to play for Algeria. However, it is this act which has highlighted just how dangerous the Algerian side can be as they will stop at nothing to bring football glory to their country.

One potential roadblock for the Algerians could be a French side determined to gain revenge for the defection of Bentaleb as France play in Group F, meaning a potential quarter-final or semi-final with the underhanded Algerians. Only time will tell if they will live to regret their act of subterfuge. Could Bentaleb strike a winning goal for his adopted nation or perhaps he could even turn tail once again during the tournament? We shall see.

TIFND prediction: A quarter-final showdown with the French will see the Algerians undone after goalkeeper Rais M’Bolhi discovers his French heritage at half time and defects to France, letting in 9 goals in the second half.

Man to watch: Russian goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev, who is rumoured to be another Algerian spy ready to switch allegiances when the two sides meet in the group stages.

Did you know? Algeria is in Africa.

Belgium

Whilst not being considered genuine contenders for the World Cup crown, Belgium are being considered by many as outsiders to go far in this tournament. A squad that boasts the likes of Axel Witsel, Marouane Fellaini and Vincent Kompany has been labelled by some pundits as ‘dark horses’. These pundits have been sacked for their racist comments.

More controversy has come the way of the Belgians and their coach Marc Wilmots for his use of the loan system after he secured the services of Chelsea’s Romelu Lukaku for the tournament, a striker whose loan spells have seen great success come the way of the team loaning him.

The Belgian FA have also shown a willingness to open the cheque book after managing to fend off competition from Serbia, Kosovo and even the mighty England to sign the highly-rated Adnan Januzaj. The Belgians are believed to have won the youngster over by agreeing to pay him in Nando’s meals.

It remains to be seen how astute Belgium’s dealings in the transfer market will be enough to see them return home with the World Cup trophy. The likes of Germany and Argentina are potential second round and quarter-final opponents so this Belgian side knows it will need to be at its best to progress beyond those stages.

TIFND prediction: Upon reaching the quarter-finals, Belgium will discover its ‘golden generation’ are in fact made of gold and will sell them, forfeiting their place in the tournament.

Man to watch: Marouane Fellaini. Just look at that hair go.

Did you know? A bell is an object, oft used in clocks, that creates a sound when struck. ‘Gium’ comes from Alfred Gium, who discovered Belgium and lent his name to the country.

Russia

After a poor Eurovision campaign, Russia sets its sights on the World Cup and made it to the tournament in impressive fashion, topping a group ahead of Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal.

Since then though, Russia has been less impressive with their mascot, Soviet Bear, losing a student election and their dismal Eurovision performance, where they were booed lots, making them slightly less popular than genital warts.

It is a difficult time for head coach Fabio Capello as he tries to instil belief in his side however insiders from the Russian camp have said that the team’s morale is struggling.

“The fact is that the team knows the moment they step out on to the pitch they’re going to be met by boos. We understand that the government is deploying forces sending fans to cheer loudly at the games but the players remain unconvinced and are going to be really sad because people don’t like them.”

Could the Russians overcome adversity and triumph against all odds to become heroes? The West rest of the competition hope not.

TIFND prediction: Booed at every step, the Russian side will conquer adversity and qualify from the group, only to be beaten by the USA in the second round.

Man to watch: Vladimir Putin. It is believed he could be planning to send soldiers instead of footballers and annex part of Brazil.

Did you know? The Russian language was initially developed by polar bears and ice fishermen as a means to spread communist propaganda.

South Korea

Ever since football came to South Korea in 2002, a national holiday has been declared whenever the national team play a match. The victory over Uzbekistan which sealed their qualification was officially the ‘least productive day’ in recorded history in the country.

As such, expectations are high for the Asian side who will be aiming to repeat the successes of their 2002 tournament run to the semi-finals and head coach Hong Myung-Bo has been allocated a large fund with which to pay off officials to favour them.

But the team are not just about bribing referees and days off work. Hong has instilled a rigorous training schedule which includes monkey bars, cargo nets and ball pits along with a strict diet consisting of protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks and says his charges are in the best shape of their life ahead of the tournament.

Will the Koreans repeat their 2002 success? Can footballers really digest rocks? You will only find out by watching South Korea take on the Russians in their opening game.

TIFND prediction: Needing only a draw in their final group game, Hong Myung-Bo’s regime will finally catch up with his team as they all go down with food poisoning and lose 27-0 to Belgium.

Man to watch: Park Chu-Young. The striker has not exactly played a lot of football since signing for Arsenal in 2011. It will be interesting to see if he can still remember how.

Did you know? South Korea is the good Korea.

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP G

The World Cup is now but a mere two days away and TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

Today is the chance to shine for Group G. A group somewhat overshadowed by Morrissey, John Terry and Anton du Beke.

Germany

The Germans are in a supremely confident mood, believing that this World Cup tournament will be a walk in the park for them. Following their qualification and drawing in to Group G, German coach Joachim Löw has revealed that he is not even bothering to train his squad and that instead they are practicing celebrations.

Strikers Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose have been in particularly fine form. Podolski has been perfecting his back flips and other somersaults, combined with a beaming smile and yelps of joy whilst, Klose has opted to work on some dramatic pointing and interpretive dancing to celebrate his goals.

The best work though is arguably coming from defensive pairing Mats Hummels and Per Mertesacker who have been practicing what they are referring to as ‘The Routine’, a 17 minute dance featuring lifts, thrusts, jumps and Anton du Beke. Löw has indicated however that the collaborative team effort when they win the final, the nature of which is being kept tightly under wraps, will trump all individual efforts.

Whilst fans and judges will be eagerly awaiting many German goals, critics are saying that Germany should be focusing on the football first and worrying about celebrations after. Spoilsports.

TIFND prediction: Mertesacker and Hummels will impress the most in the group stages but we believe Miroslav Klose’s dance work will go up a level in the knockout rounds seeing him lead the way until the final when the team celebration will surpass all before it.

Man to watch: John Terry. With so much celebration, the Chelsea man won’t be far away, dressed in full kit and ready to join in at a moment’s notice.

Did you know? Defender Marcell Jansen missed out on the trip to Brazil after scoring a goal against his former club Bayern Munich and refusing the celebrate.

Ghana

Ghana were in actual fact the first team to qualify for this World Cup, managing to do so 3 weeks after the tournament was announced however they were so quick securing their qualification that FIFA missed it and forced the African nation to qualify for a second time.

Coach James Kwesi Appiah has bemoaned the hectic footballing schedule for his side, claiming that it has caused several of his squad to lose form and fitness ahead of the tournament after they had to play all their qualification games again, several of which fell over the busy Christmas period.

But the Black Stars are not called nicknamed as such for no reason. A little-known cosmic phenomena, a black star is a sun of endless energy and fire, burning at twice the speed of a regular neutron star and Ghana took this name after the team took part in a 36 hour-long football match in 2010 when ‘next goal wins’ rules were called but the deadlock was not able to be broken for a day and a half.

The Ghanaians will need to call upon every ounce of their black star energy to get through a tough group stage off the back of a very long season for them.

TIFND prediction: Ghana will channel the spirit of 2010 and power through Group G however when their second round match heads to extra time, next goal wins rules are called again and Ghana lose a 7 hour war of attrition to go home, but with their heads held high.

Man to watch: Kevin-Prince Boateng. The Schalke player is considered a utility man. When he’s not playing football he can unclog your drains, mow your lawn and fix your faulty wiring.

Did you know? Goalkeeper Adam Kwarasey’s favourite artist is Morrissey.

Portugal

Sammy Porker reports for TIF News Desk on Portugal and their preparations for this World Cup:

The losing finalists from 2010 return attempting to avenge that defeat and secure the World Cup trophy for the third time and coach Paulo Bento has a very strong squad at his disposal with which to do this.

Solid from the back, Brazilian striker turned Portuguese goalkeeper Bebeto is defying his years with some acrobatic performances between the sticks and the protection he is getting from defenders Ricardo Costacurta and Luis Nesta, both of whom renounced their Italian citizenship to come out of retirement and play for Portugal.

Where the real magic happens though is the midfield. Tactical genius Jose Moutinho has found an excellent spot to work his ‘special’ powers in the middle of the park alongside Patrick Vieirinha, who previously represented France.

Certainly the talent is there and this exciting Portugal side are seen by many as having what it takes to go all the way in Brazil.

TIFND prediction: With such a strong and experienced side it is hard to look beyond Portugal as World Cup winners and we believe that they will do so in style.

Man to watch: Ronaldo. The former Brazilian has had his fitness levels questioned having put on some weight in recent years however he has fought his way back to international level, now for Portugal, and will be eager to make a big impact.

Did you know? The Portuguese national side’s nickname, ‘Os Navegadores’ translates in English to ‘the door is slightly ajar’.

USA

The USA side, nicknamed USMNT (United States Mutant Ninja Turtles, for their love of pizza and Bruce Lee films) have been dealt a tough hand in Group G but with head coach Jurgen Klinsmann at the helm, they have a born winner who believes he can see his side safely navigate the group stages and progress much further in the tournament.

As a player, Klinsmann was known for his playacting, diving and other theatrics but as a coach he has shown a remarkable knack for winning. His most famous victory came in 2007 when managing a Stuttgart based sunday league team. Trailing 3-1 with 15 minutes to go, Klinsmann orchestrated a remarkable comeback, utilising his now trademarked ‘Air Strike Attack’ formation, consisting of 7 strikers playing in a line whilst linked arm in arm, his side scored 3 late goals to win 4-3.

As coach of the USA, Klinsmann has adapted his tactics to the international game. We have not seen the ASA formation but in a qualification game against Guatemala, fans were witness to the birth of Klinsmann’s ‘Thunder, Lightning, Strike’ formation (2 defenders, 5 midfielders and 3 strikers who wait on the touchline and only take to the field when their opponents least expect it) as the USA ran out 3-1 winners.

Will Klinsmann’s revolutionary tactics be enough to propel the USA to glory at the World Cup?

TIFND prediction: Under Klinsmann’s tutelage the USA will be in a strong position after their opening two games however in their final group game against Germany they will come unstuck attempting a new formation involving goalkeeper Tim Howard basing himself in the centre circle. The USA will lose 7-2 and be eliminated. Klinsmann will be ridiculed and sacked a week later.

Man to watch: Jozy Altidore. The striker is expected to be deployed in a position atop Michael Bradley’s shoulders in an attempt for the US to gain aerial dominance in Brazil so he won’t be hard to spot.

Did you know? The World Cup is expected to be watched by roughly 75 Americans.

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP F

The World Cup tournament is the small matter of three days away and TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

The next stop on our stopping service to Brazil is Group F, a group somewhat overshadowed by mysterious soothsayers, spirit animals and a hat on a stick.

Argentina

Argentina can count themselves fortunate to be at this World Cup tournament at all after head coach Alejandro Sabella was discovered to have contravened FIFA rules during Argentina’s qualification game against Ecuador by wearing a scarf that offended the referee’s sense of style.

Fortunately for the Argentines, an independent panel adjudged that the scarf was merely ‘last season’ and not of a ‘tragic fashion disaster’ level, which would have seen Argentina be deducted up to 10 points. After such a narrow escape, the Argentinean football association have taken no chances and have drafted in the country’s top fashion designers to outfit both Sabella and the squad.

The major question now is whether or not this could all have a negative effect on the team after both Éver Banega and Nicolás Otamendi withdrew from the squad to attend a fashion event in Milan instead whilst TIF News Desk sources have indicated that the players are only spending half their training sessions working on the football side of things. The rest of the time is being spent working with the squad’s traveling fashion designers on how best to accentuate the features of their outfits.

If Argentina can keep their focus on the football they are expected to go far but it seems like this is proving difficult to accomplish.

TIFND prediction: Argentina’s natural talent will go some way to making up for lost training time and they will manage to qualify from Group F however bad lighting and substandard needlework will see their improved image fall to pieces in the second round and, whilst they stand around looking disheveled, they are knocked out.

Man to watch: Ángel Di María. The midfielder really knows how to strut his stuff and makes even an everyday football kit look sophisticated and stylish.

Did you know? Argentina’s coat of arms features a hat on a stick, which is the nation’s favourite pastime.

Bosnia & Herzegovina

When Bojan Bosnia and Zoran Herzegovina declared war upon one another in 1904 they would never have imagined that their families would have to work together some 110 years later in a World Cup tournament.

The two great families have grown up taught to fear and hate their oldest adversaries after the heads of the family got in to a dispute over a crate of incense being shipped from the Orient in the early 20^th century but now they have been forced to work together after the modern day heads of the family decided that they needed to put aside their differences to achieve World Cup glory.

Unfortunately conflicts between the families are not isolated to the 1900s. In 2009 Bosnia and Herzegovina family members were involved in a scuffle outside a bar in Sarajevo after a senior figure in the Herzegovina family was believed to have bitten their thumb toward a Bosnian. Another incident involved a song being written about Herzegovina family member Edin Dzeko, referring to him as a horse’s rear end and was believed to have been penned by a Bosnian. 

There is undoubted talent on both sides and together they could achieve something great but will blood run thicker than football?

TIFND prediction: Spurred on by the potential of greater glory, both families manage to put aside petty family matters and the team qualify from the group stages and advance as far as the quarter finals. Unfortunately a dispute over who should take a free kick sees a fight erupt and Bosnia & Herzegovina have all their players sent off.

Man to watch: Anel Hadzic. The midfielder is a relatively new addition to the Bosnia & Herzegovina squad but as heir to the Herzegovina family, great things are expected of him.

Did you know? The feud between the Bosnia and Herzegovina families led to their home country outlawing the TV show Family Fortunes and banning Les Dennis from ever entering the country.

Iran

Iranian head coach Carlos Queiroz knew he faced a difficult task when he took over the reigns of the country’s football team and sought guidance with his trusted friend and soothsayer, Papa Marinero.

Marinero told Queiroz of a great future in which Iran would lift the World Cup trophy in 2014 and of the manner in which to do it. The unconventional qualifying campaign that followed raised eyebrows and allegedly the dead as well after the South Korean’s, during Iran’s 1-0 victory that sealed their qualification, swore to seeing a ghost army charging at their defence.

Whilst Queiroz and Marinero’s methods may be questionable, the result was not in any doubt and Marinero was appointed to a position of senior consultant for the upcoming World Cup tournament.

In some quarters Iran’s reliance on ‘alternative’ methods is laughed upon but it may be Iran who are laughing after Marinero vowed to ‘sacrifice small mammals and insects with the blood of our children to see the proper future come to pass.’

TIFND prediction: Iran make spectacular progress in the group stages, winning all three games and qualifying for the second round with ease until Papa Marinero is accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. Iran go out in the second round and everyone agrees to not talk about what just happened.

Man to watch: Javad Nekounam. The Iranian captain has been dubbed ‘The Anointed One’ by Marinero and is set to achieve a great many things this tournament.

Did you know? Papa Marinero is rumoured to have been behind the creation of Jumanji.

Nigeria

After poor performances in the past two World Cups; failing to qualify in 2006 and finishing last in their group in 2010, Nigeria’s attitude and application came in to question and following their qualification for this tournament, head coach Stephen Keshi led his full 30-man preliminary squad in to the Brazilian rainforests to prepare for the competition.

Each member of the squad was given the task of selecting an animal to follow and to study the hunting patterns so as to adopt them in to their game. However, this did not entirely go to plan after defender Elderson Echiéjilé was attacked by a scorpion he was following, causing him to withdraw injured whilst striker Victor Obinna’s choice of animal, an earthworm, failed to convince Keshi he had the killer instinct required for a World Cup.

On the plus side however, Shola ‘Assassin Bug’ Ameobi, Godfrey ‘Ocelot’ Oboabona and Emmanuel ‘Eyelash Viper’ Emenike lead a side of rainforest graduates with a predatory streak in them ready to take the World Cup by storm whilst Keshi himself was able to tame a howler monkey which has taken on the position of team mascot for the tournament.

Certainly Nigeria’s animal instincts will give them an edge in Brazil but will it be enough to take them all the way?

TIFND prediction: Nigeria will have the worst disciplinary record ever in a World Cup tournament, amassing 11 red cards across their 3 group games as their players physically assault opponents, one particular highlight being when John Obi ‘Boa Constrictor’ Mikel wraps himself around Argentina’s Javier Mascherano’s waist and it takes officials 20 minutes to free Mascherano.

Man to watch: Joseph ‘Jaguar’ Yobo. Becoming one with his spirit animal, Yobo will not be taking any prisoners at this World Cup and will bring the corpses of his prey back to the den for the young to feed on.

Did you know? Rejected names for this article were Victor ‘Millipede’ Moses, Peter ‘Parrot Snake’ Odemwingie, Reuben ‘Dung Beetle’ Gabriel and Vincent ‘Zebra Butterfly’ Enyeama.

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP E

Get hyped! The World Cup tournament in Brazil is now just 4 days away and TIF News Desk is previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

We move along nicely today to Group E, a group somewhat overshadowed by Mortal Kombat, Franck Ribery and a naked Alexander Frei.

Ecuador

Until now, football has been largely ignored by the Ecuadorians until the country, discovered in 1997 by explorer DJ Sash, qualified for the World Cup by mistake, having believed they were applying for planning permission for a swimming pool.

While the country celebrated its surprising entry into this year’s tournament, many young swim fans around the country mourn the loss of their watery playground. Ecuador's badge is an eagle on top of a carrot, due to the country's age old tradition of dressing as vegetables and fighting an eagle though it is not known whether these skills will transpose well on to a football field.

Yet Ecuador’s main impact on the tournament will not be their eagle fighting antics but something that transpired prior to the tournament’s start after Sweden refused to take part, in protest of the Ecuadorians perceived persecution of swimmers and it is this that has won Ecuador no fans in the international football community as it has denied fans the opportunity to see Swedish superstar Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who had promised to ‘Zlatan’ FIFA head honcho Step Ladder.

Can Ecuador overcome their tags as ‘stinky Ecuador’ and enjoy a successful tournament? It’s certainly a tall order.

TIFND prediction: It is hard to look beyond Ecuador losing all their games. The best they can hope for is heavy rain, and a win by The Duckworth Lewis Method.

Man to watch: Walter Ayovi. The Ecuadorian vice-captain is known for his flamboyant eagle hunting whilst dressed as a potato.

Did you know? For one day each week, Ecuadorians are legally allowed to hit cats with hammers.

France

TIF News Desk’s Tug Pharaoh reports on France; led by star man Franck Ribery.

France go in to the tournament in buoyant mood, due to their unusual preparation technique. Star man Franck Ribery has been training the squad in the use of Mortal Kombat fatality moves. Under coach Didier Deschamps’ watchful eye, star man Ribery has turned this French team, dubbed 'The Lard Generation" by French national press, in to "The Hard Generation".

Karim Benzema utilises a grappling hook to forcefully pull his opponent towards him, Remy Cabbella has mastered the art of burning his rival alive, whilst the key man, Ribery himself, favours pulling out their spine before landing an upper cut, propelling his opponent into a pit of spikes located hundreds of feet below the pitch.

Utterly adored by millions of French supporters, star man Ribery ticks all my boxes. Key man Franck Ribery is so twisty, so turny, so twisty turny, that he doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Of course, star man Franck Ribery is famous for winning a match for his team in February by elbowing an opponent so hard, their face fell off.

Can star man Ribery deliver the goods in Brazil? France certainly hope so; major shareholder Franck Ribery is seen as a key man in taking France forward. His economic expertise and strategic thinking are second to none.

TIFND prediction: With key man Ribery, France cannot fail to win the tournament. Star man Franck guarantees goals, assists and a lot of flair.

Man to watch: Imperative to his side's success, the indispensable Franck Ribery is regarded by many as France's best player.

Did you know? Franck Ribery is not included in France's 23 man squad.

Honduras

Honduras, nickname "Los Catrachos" (roughly translated as "Eaters of the Souls of the Virgins of Our Land"), were the first team to qualify for the World Cup, having sent off their application early, and also including a self addressed envelope for the response.

The bar of expectation is high for this Honduran side with master tactician Luis Fernando Suárez at the helm. In 1972, Suárez made history when in charge of Atlético Nacional by invoking the little known "assault clause", and thus becoming the first manager to field a team of 20 players in a 4-4-11 formation.

It is such tactical flair and masterstrokes that give Honduras an edge in the dangerous group E. Matches in the group are scheduled to take place underwater, in a tiger-filled pit and in space. Teams will require an extra something to progress and head coach Suárez is certainly someone who can deliver that.

Will the clever balance of efficient form completion and tactical nous be enough to send Honduras to the latter stages of the tournament? We can’t wait to find out!

TIFND prediction: You can't legally bet against the Hondurans, but if you could we would advise you to. As the only country in the whole world beginning with the letter H, Honduras stand a better chance than most of returning home victorious however a failure to correctly fill out their forms for qualification from the group stages will see the Hondurans heading home early.

Man to watch: Oscar Garcia. Following the Honduran football association’s introduction of the rule that all players must be over the age of 40, the midfielder stepped down as manager of Brighton and Hove Albion in England and will be looking to make an impact at the start of his international career.

Did you know? Star striker Carlo Costly has only ever moved on a free transfer.

Switzerland

Brint Futnix reports for TIF News Desk:

Switzerland enter their tenth world cup in high spirits. Manager Ottmar Hitzfeld revealed that this was down to his use of a pre-match book club, where players could choose to fight each other, often to the death.

However their preparations were dealt a serious blow when team captain Gokhan Inler was ruled out of the tournament with gas. Understandably, morale was low at that point for the Swiss but Hitzfeld just had to remind them of what was at stake:

Switzerland's badge resembles a naked rambler, in honour of celebrated naturist and all time record goal scorer Alexander Frei who has vowed to walk naked across Europe if Switzerland are triumphant. Following this timely reminder, stand-in skipper Stephan Lichtsteiner declared his side would “steamroller” anybody who got in the way of the ultimate prize, plus the added bonus of claiming the World Cup trophy.

But with Switzerland currently on 0 points in group E, and it's hard to see them picking up anymore. Relegation beckons.

TIFND prediction: The Swiss are arguably the most highly motivated of all 20 teams in the league and TIF News Desk believes it is this added motivation that will see the Swiss fail to qualify and have to make do with an Intertoto Cup spot for next season.

Man to watch: Tranquillo Barnetta. The midfielder has never once in his life been angry but it is believed the World Cup could unleash the animal within him. This animal is believed to be a stoat.

Did you know? There are no sheds in Switzerland

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP D

The World Cup is a mere 5 days away now and TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

Today we take a closer look at Group D, a group somewhat overshadowed by Waylon Francis, Waylon Francis and Waylon Francis.

Costa Rica

With Costa Rica not being seen as a major power in world football there aren’t too many who see them having much of a chance of qualifying from Group D but TIF News Desk has learned of a secret plan orchestrated by the Costa Rican football association and head coach Jorge Luis Pinto.

Not being blessed with a naturally world class player, the Costa Ricans have decided to make their own. Eyebrows were raised when the experience of 93 cap striker Alvaro Saborio and midfielder Carlos Hernandez were both overlooked for the final 23 man squad for the tournament but it is understood that the pair, both 32, were considered at an age where they could be salvaged for parts to serve the greater good.

Waylon Francis is far from a household name and in fact has only been playing football professionally since 2013 and it transpires this is due to Costa Rica having created him from parts of other players in a bid to have their own world class talent.

Whether Francis alone can lead Costa Rica to World Cup glory is the question on everybody’s lips and the answer awaits us with Costa Rica’s opening game against Uruguay.

TIFND prediction: Waylon Francis is the player of the tournament, scoring goals for fun at one end and keeping the opposition out at the other. Costa Rica win group D but come unstuck when Francis’s immune system rejects the foreign limbs sewn on to him and he literally falls apart. They go out in the second round.

Man to watch: Waylon Francis will set the tournament alight.

Did you know? Waylon Francis

England

For a nation whose confidence rarely falters and will usually support its team no matter what, their patience is being tested by manager Roy Hodgson’s insistence on moving away from the tried and tested methods of underperformance and elimination on penalties.

Leaving out players such as Tom Cleverley, Andy Carroll, Ashley Cole and Ashley Young and drafting in the likes of Luke Shaw, Adam Lallana, Raheem Sterling and Ross Barkley has led many England supporters to claim that Hodgson has gone too far from what is expected of and England team and is in danger of achieving progression.

Indeed even the players have been unhappy with veteran defender Cole vowing to never play for England again and Ashley Young to take time out from a coaching session with Tom Daley to say that he felt Hodgson was a fool for not picking players based solely on the team they play for domestically.

Whether or not Hodgson has gone too far or if his gamble will pay off remains to be seen.

TIFND prediction: Hodgson’s New England will take the tournament by storm, showing attacking fluidity and creative expertise, they will reach the final and win the World Cup, bringing back the glory of the Summer of 69.

Man to watch: Phil Jones. The defender is sure to make a great number of unforgettable faces during the tournament, we look forward to Lionel Messi pulling up short after breaking through the England midfield only to see Jones in front of him. Waiting. Gurning.

Did you know? Hodgson’s shake-up of the England setup means that for the first time since 2001, John Terry has slept with less than 50% of the squad’s partners.

Italy

The Italians qualified with relative ease for the finals in Brazil, not losing a single game in their qualifying group however whether they will even make it to the tournament has come in to question after the Road to the World Cup in the country wasn’t finished on time.

Before every World Cup, much emphasis is put on how each team will get there but budget cuts in the Italian transportation department led to strikes being called by workers in the country and as a result, Italy’s road to Brazil has not been completed.

Whilst contingency plans are in the process of being drawn up, it is not thought that the Italians will reach Brazil in time for their opening game with England, casting doubt over whether they will now be able to qualify from the group.

Head coach Cesare Prandelli has called on his squad to do what they can to make it to Brazil on their own if necessary. Antonio Cassano is believed to be hitchhiking whilst fellow striker Mario Balotelli has stolen a private jet, loaded it with fireworks and he at least is expected to make good time.

The race is on for Italy, if they can make it to Brazil they are sure to be competitive but that is by no means a guarantee at this point.

TIFND prediction: The Italians will fail to reach Brazil in time for their first group match and forfeit it, meaning an uphill battle to qualify for the second round which they will fail to do after Mario Balotelli sets fire to the team bus on the way to their second game with Costa Rica which they then also have to forfeit.

Man to watch: Gianluigi Buffon. The goalkeeper is 53, appearing in his 44^th major tournament. Now part cyborg, the Italian captain is still going strong.

Did you know? Fiorentina’s Giuseppe Rossi was cut from Italy’s final squad after it transpired he had been planting dictionaries in teammates lockers to improve their vocabulary.

Uruguay

TIF News Desk’s roving reporter Cheg Dante asked the hard-hitting questions to find out more about the latest incarnation of Uruguay:

This is the first World Cup for this new Uruguay franchise. Previously located in South America, the new Uruguay rests in Beijing, having been bought out by China's wealthiest man, Wang Jianlin. National coach Óscar Tabárez is known locally as El Maestro (The Teacher), for his speed at pulling his players off the pitch when it rains, and his insistence on making his players watch Disney films on the last day of the season.

Not since the early 18^th century has a Uruguayan franchise seen World Cup success but Tabárez is viewed upon by many as just the kind of man to bring back that winning feeling inside.

TIFND prediction: Group D is as enigmatic as Uruguay themselves are making it impossible to predict how this side will go but we are certain they will draw their opening game 1-1 with Costa Rica, beat England 1-0 and beat Italy 2-0 and narrowly miss out on qualifying for the second round.

Man to watch: Gaston Ramirez. Uruguay's game against England lies on Never Again Day, a public holiday. Last year Ramirez, of Southampton, vowed to Never Again play a full 90 minutes, and has managed to stay true to his vow so far but will his country’s needs outweigh his beliefs?

Did you know? The capital city of Uruguay is Montevideo which, when translated, means ‘Home Movie’. It is believed this is due to the Uruguayans love of amateur pornography.

WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP C

With the 2014 World Cup tournament now just 6 days away, TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

We move on today to Group C, a group somewhat overshadowed by evil plans, robotic boots and a race against time to see the guilty punished.

Colombia

Some media outlets have done as far as to say that without injured striker Radamel Falcao, Colombia’s World Cup dreams lie in tatters.

And it has transpired that this may indeed be the case. Head coach Jose Pekerman admitted this week that he had been so focused on the Monaco man’s race to be fit, that he had forgotten to name the rest of his squad for the tournament.

As such, many of Colombia’s other star names had already made holiday plans for June and July, and are now no longer able to compete at the finals in Brazil. Inter midfielder Fredy Guarin is on holiday in Tunisia, River Plate forward Teofilo Gutierrez is visiting his mum in Bogota during the group stage games while captain Mario Yepes has a lovely two week break at Butlins planned.

Pekerman resisted calls for him to stand down from his position though, stating that with the depleted squad now available to him, he would likely be playing in midfield himself for the opening game with Greece.

TIFND prediction: Colombia’s unexpected hardship has thrown their campaign in to disarray but Jose Pekerman is a wily old fox with a wicked free kick. He will end the tournament their top scorer and, given the circumstances, it will be a respectable performance as Colombia narrowly miss out on qualification from Group C.

Man to watch: Jackson Martinez. The striker had his right foot replaced with an actual traction engine. Expect some liquid football from him.

Did you know? The Colombian flag was designed by Donatella Versace as a tasteful skirt to be worn at the beach.

Greece

Greece’s poor showings at their two previous World Cup finals appearances have led head coach Fernando Santos to resort to desperate measures.

Santos has called in a favour from boot manufacturer Umbro, with whom TIF News Desk understands he has a brother working in the research & development department, and gotten his hands on new prototype boots yet to be released.

The Umbro Footballer 1.2 uses the latest in robotics and game probability mapping to read the game situation and move themselves in the direction required for the player, based on which position the boots are set for; goalkeeper, defender, midfielder, winger or striker. Something sure to give the Greeks an advantage.

However, the prototype boots are believed to still have several bugs in the process of being ironed out, the most major of which is the boots are unable to tell teammates  apart from opponents and so will often cause players to tackle each other despite being on the same side.

Whether Santos, and Umbro, can solve these problems before the tournament kicks off remains to be seen.

TIFND prediction: The Greeks technological advantage will see them start strongly, drawing with Colombia and beating Japan however during their final group game their prototype boots will encounter interference from radio transmitters and cease to work, allowing the Ivory Coast to run out 11-1 winners and Greece to crash out at the group stages once again.

Man to watch: Sokratis Papastathopoulos. To see if any commentator can pronounce his name at the first attempt.

Did you know? During thunderstorms in Greece, the entire country breaks out in song.

Ivory Coast

Everything was going well for the Ivory Coast after they defeated Senegal to qualify for the World Cup finals.

However, over the past few months rumours have begun to circulate that the squad claiming to be the Ivory Coast are not from the Ivory Coast at all.

TIF News Desk has obtained exclusive photos in a brown envelope that showed meetings between Ivorian officials and a shady looking character with slicked back hair and sunglasses.

It is believed that the nature of the meeting was to discuss sending a team of imposters to improve their chances of success. We have managed to uncover that the entire Ivory Coast squad is in fact from Cote D’Ivoire.

Time is running out before the start of the tournament and we have dispatched our agent, Back Jauer, to uncover the proof we need.

TIFND prediction: TIF News Desk promises that we will get to the bottom of this and get hold of the evidence we need to see the ‘Ivory Coast’ thrown out of the tournament.

Man to watch: Midfielder Yaya Toure, as we crank up the heat on him, withholding birthday cards and cake from him until he breaks and tells us everything.

Did you know? The official language of the Ivory Coast is French.

Japan

Japan’s plan for World Cup success in 2014 began a few years back when devious head coach Alberto Zaccheroni hatched a plan to imbue his squad with the footballing talent of some of the best players in the world via the medium of an enchanted football.

Entrusted to Japanese players plying their trade across the globe, the ball has been making the rounds and sapping the ability from players with the purpose of then passing it on to the Japanese squad once the tournament begins.

And whilst some have cast doubts as to whether such a plan could work, people need only look at the demise of certain players and it becomes clear that something is afoot. Spain’s Fernando Torres has gone from being a world beater at Liverpool to being ineffectual at Chelsea whilst Dutch goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg, once a respected player, is now a laughing stock at Fulham.

It is not known how many players in total have been affected, Nicklas Bendtner has claimed he has been a victim of the Japanese though most believe he is simply that bad at football. However many it is though, it is clear that the Japanese are a real threat in this tournament.

TIFND prediction: Japan’s plans will progress well to begin with as they defeat the Ivory Coast however with the aid of a football legend, possibly Pele, a team of cartoon characters will overcome the Japanese and force them to give the talent back to the players from whom they stole it. Japan will then lose their remaining two group games and go out.

Man to watch: Shinji Kagawa, the play-a-maker is a truly evil person, once leaving six people locked in a cellar in Dortmund, Germany.

Did you know? The Japanese government has declared that should the country win the World Cup, the trophy will be melted down to plate coach Zaccheroni’s testicles.