WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP F

The World Cup tournament is the small matter of three days away and TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

The next stop on our stopping service to Brazil is Group F, a group somewhat overshadowed by mysterious soothsayers, spirit animals and a hat on a stick.

Argentina

Argentina can count themselves fortunate to be at this World Cup tournament at all after head coach Alejandro Sabella was discovered to have contravened FIFA rules during Argentina’s qualification game against Ecuador by wearing a scarf that offended the referee’s sense of style.

Fortunately for the Argentines, an independent panel adjudged that the scarf was merely ‘last season’ and not of a ‘tragic fashion disaster’ level, which would have seen Argentina be deducted up to 10 points. After such a narrow escape, the Argentinean football association have taken no chances and have drafted in the country’s top fashion designers to outfit both Sabella and the squad.

The major question now is whether or not this could all have a negative effect on the team after both Éver Banega and Nicolás Otamendi withdrew from the squad to attend a fashion event in Milan instead whilst TIF News Desk sources have indicated that the players are only spending half their training sessions working on the football side of things. The rest of the time is being spent working with the squad’s traveling fashion designers on how best to accentuate the features of their outfits.

If Argentina can keep their focus on the football they are expected to go far but it seems like this is proving difficult to accomplish.

TIFND prediction: Argentina’s natural talent will go some way to making up for lost training time and they will manage to qualify from Group F however bad lighting and substandard needlework will see their improved image fall to pieces in the second round and, whilst they stand around looking disheveled, they are knocked out.

Man to watch: Ángel Di María. The midfielder really knows how to strut his stuff and makes even an everyday football kit look sophisticated and stylish.

Did you know? Argentina’s coat of arms features a hat on a stick, which is the nation’s favourite pastime.

Bosnia & Herzegovina

When Bojan Bosnia and Zoran Herzegovina declared war upon one another in 1904 they would never have imagined that their families would have to work together some 110 years later in a World Cup tournament.

The two great families have grown up taught to fear and hate their oldest adversaries after the heads of the family got in to a dispute over a crate of incense being shipped from the Orient in the early 20^th century but now they have been forced to work together after the modern day heads of the family decided that they needed to put aside their differences to achieve World Cup glory.

Unfortunately conflicts between the families are not isolated to the 1900s. In 2009 Bosnia and Herzegovina family members were involved in a scuffle outside a bar in Sarajevo after a senior figure in the Herzegovina family was believed to have bitten their thumb toward a Bosnian. Another incident involved a song being written about Herzegovina family member Edin Dzeko, referring to him as a horse’s rear end and was believed to have been penned by a Bosnian. 

There is undoubted talent on both sides and together they could achieve something great but will blood run thicker than football?

TIFND prediction: Spurred on by the potential of greater glory, both families manage to put aside petty family matters and the team qualify from the group stages and advance as far as the quarter finals. Unfortunately a dispute over who should take a free kick sees a fight erupt and Bosnia & Herzegovina have all their players sent off.

Man to watch: Anel Hadzic. The midfielder is a relatively new addition to the Bosnia & Herzegovina squad but as heir to the Herzegovina family, great things are expected of him.

Did you know? The feud between the Bosnia and Herzegovina families led to their home country outlawing the TV show Family Fortunes and banning Les Dennis from ever entering the country.

Iran

Iranian head coach Carlos Queiroz knew he faced a difficult task when he took over the reigns of the country’s football team and sought guidance with his trusted friend and soothsayer, Papa Marinero.

Marinero told Queiroz of a great future in which Iran would lift the World Cup trophy in 2014 and of the manner in which to do it. The unconventional qualifying campaign that followed raised eyebrows and allegedly the dead as well after the South Korean’s, during Iran’s 1-0 victory that sealed their qualification, swore to seeing a ghost army charging at their defence.

Whilst Queiroz and Marinero’s methods may be questionable, the result was not in any doubt and Marinero was appointed to a position of senior consultant for the upcoming World Cup tournament.

In some quarters Iran’s reliance on ‘alternative’ methods is laughed upon but it may be Iran who are laughing after Marinero vowed to ‘sacrifice small mammals and insects with the blood of our children to see the proper future come to pass.’

TIFND prediction: Iran make spectacular progress in the group stages, winning all three games and qualifying for the second round with ease until Papa Marinero is accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. Iran go out in the second round and everyone agrees to not talk about what just happened.

Man to watch: Javad Nekounam. The Iranian captain has been dubbed ‘The Anointed One’ by Marinero and is set to achieve a great many things this tournament.

Did you know? Papa Marinero is rumoured to have been behind the creation of Jumanji.

Nigeria

After poor performances in the past two World Cups; failing to qualify in 2006 and finishing last in their group in 2010, Nigeria’s attitude and application came in to question and following their qualification for this tournament, head coach Stephen Keshi led his full 30-man preliminary squad in to the Brazilian rainforests to prepare for the competition.

Each member of the squad was given the task of selecting an animal to follow and to study the hunting patterns so as to adopt them in to their game. However, this did not entirely go to plan after defender Elderson Echiéjilé was attacked by a scorpion he was following, causing him to withdraw injured whilst striker Victor Obinna’s choice of animal, an earthworm, failed to convince Keshi he had the killer instinct required for a World Cup.

On the plus side however, Shola ‘Assassin Bug’ Ameobi, Godfrey ‘Ocelot’ Oboabona and Emmanuel ‘Eyelash Viper’ Emenike lead a side of rainforest graduates with a predatory streak in them ready to take the World Cup by storm whilst Keshi himself was able to tame a howler monkey which has taken on the position of team mascot for the tournament.

Certainly Nigeria’s animal instincts will give them an edge in Brazil but will it be enough to take them all the way?

TIFND prediction: Nigeria will have the worst disciplinary record ever in a World Cup tournament, amassing 11 red cards across their 3 group games as their players physically assault opponents, one particular highlight being when John Obi ‘Boa Constrictor’ Mikel wraps himself around Argentina’s Javier Mascherano’s waist and it takes officials 20 minutes to free Mascherano.

Man to watch: Joseph ‘Jaguar’ Yobo. Becoming one with his spirit animal, Yobo will not be taking any prisoners at this World Cup and will bring the corpses of his prey back to the den for the young to feed on.

Did you know? Rejected names for this article were Victor ‘Millipede’ Moses, Peter ‘Parrot Snake’ Odemwingie, Reuben ‘Dung Beetle’ Gabriel and Vincent ‘Zebra Butterfly’ Enyeama.