WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP B

With the 2014 World Cup tournament in Brazil just a week away, TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group, and team by team.

We continue our coverage with Group B which has been somewhat overshadowed by FIFA bureaucracy, death and Manchester United.

Australia

Australia are the hot favourites to advance from Group B having assembled a strong team of murderers and convicted criminals ready to take the fight to their group opponents in this tournament’s Group of Death.

As soon as the groups were drawn, Australian coach Ange Postecoglou began his search for the toughest and most brutal footballers to pick for his squad and despite bemoaning the fact ex-Wolves and Millwall defender Kevin Muscat is now retired, those he has chosen to represent the country are not to be trifled with.

Defender Luke Wilkshire has been secured on temporarily release from Russia where he is currently imprisoned whilst goalkeeper Mathew Ryan currently plays for Fight Club Brugge in Belgium. In total, the Australian squad has been convicted of 49 crimes, 34 of which were of a violent nature. The shock call-up was for New York forward Tim Cahill, who is known to have worked with Wollongong Police Academy back in Australia.

The Australians will be looking to use their brute force to advance even further than just the group stages but are they well-rounded enough to do so?

TIFND prediction: Understandably favourites to win the Group of Death, Australia will prove deadly to their Group B opponents but will falter in the second round when the tournament becomes about football as opposed to just killing people.

Man to watch: Mile Jedinak. The Australian captain once killed someone just for pronouncing his name wrong. For reference, Mile is pronounced ‘Miley’.

Did you know? Defender Alex Wilkinson exports cars for Hyundai to South Korea in his spare time.

Chile

Paranoid Chilean head coach Jorge Sampaoli admits his ‘no training’ approach to coaching will be put to the test in a tough group for the South Americans. Sampaoli harbours fears of his side’s World Cup opponents scouting out their tactics ahead of the tournament and so has placed a strict ‘no training’ policy on his players.

“We all get in around 10 o’clock and sit around watch television for a bit” said midfielder Jean Beausejour. “It’s a nice way to start the day, we talk about what we did last night, what we ate for tea and things like that and then after lunch we usually sit around and do what we like. Some players read books, some play video games. Arturo [Vidal] and Mauricio [Isla] were playing Connect 4 yesterday.”

It’s a bold strategy from Sampaoli who believes that if his side aren’t sure of what they’re going to do until they get on the pitch, his opponents have no chance of second-guessing them.

“We think we can go a long way.” Says Sampaoli when asked about his team’s chances “But, to be honest, I’ll probably pick the team out of a hat just before kick-off so who knows what will happen.” Bonne chance, Jorge.

TIFND prediction: Chile will struggle to recover from an opening game defeat when Sampaoli picks the team from the wrong hat and names his player’s wives and partners. Chile lose 37-0 to Australia and fail to qualify from the group.

Man to watch: Midfielder Gary Medel has a very shapely bottom. We could watch it for hours.

Did you know? The Chilean national anthem was written by Bruce Springsteen and donated to Chile after it failed to make the cut for Springsteen’s ‘The River’ LP.

Netherlands

Some doubts have been raised as to how far this Dutch side can go with a manager who has been betrothed to Manchester United. Does he secretly wish for an early exit so he can add his weight behind a bid for Luke Shaw and find out just how comfy those red chairs in the Old Trafford dugout are?

Louis Van Gaal has of course laughed off such suggestions and assured everyone that he is fully focused, not on the problems of his employers-to-be, but of his nation and he does have a few to try and resolve.

Some might argue that this Dutch side are not quite as strong as they are used to. Fans did not expect an early exit in their last major tournament, despite boasting a very similar squad to that which reached the World Cup final in 2010. Protests were made and the manager lost his job.

Van Gaal also has to do what he can to get striker Robin van Persie back to his best and address the issues of performance after there was much debate over the effort put in by some players at their last tournament outing whilst he has selection dilemmas to find someone to play the Paul Scholes role in midfield and someone to be a long-term successor to Patrice Evra.

Despite their poor showing last season, expectation remains high the Dutch will want to see a marked improvement from their Euro 2012 campaign where they failed to qualify for the Champions League under David Moyes.

TIFND prediction: We expect to see an improvement from the Dutch. Changes have been made to this squad from that of previous tournaments and we believe they will finish in the top 4 and make the Champions League for next season.

Man to watch: Ron Vlaar. The most experienced man in the Dutch backline only has 23 caps. Known as the ‘King of Swing’, he will need to have a strong tournament with younger, inexperienced players around him.

Did you know? The reason for the Dutch kit being orange is because of the country’s love of tanning salons.

Spain

The Spanish have been on top of world football for some time now. Their diverse elements of weaponry, including fear, surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to The Pope, has been leaving opposition sides bamboozled.

Such domination has led to FIFA imposing a rule on the current world champions; none of their 3 selected goalkeepers are allowed to play in goal.

Whilst the Spanish media have claimed that such a rule is unfair and claim that this, along with the group opponents they are due to face, point toward bias against their nation coach Vicente del Bosque has adopted a more confident, and defiant stance.

“FIFA can do what they like. We’re so good I’ll even select that Torres lad who hasn’t scored since 1998 and there’s some Spanish kid playing in goal for this little mid-table English club, I’ll pick him too, then play him up front.”

Will Spain and del Bosque’s confidence prove to be over-confidence or can the Spanish march to triumph again?

TIFND prediction: FIFA’s goalkeeping restriction will hinder the Spaniards at first and they will lose their opening game 9-0 to the Dutch but upon discovering Fernando Torres is so bad at scoring goals he can actively prevent them, he nails down the number one spot for the tournament, keeping 3 clean sheets in the process. Their undoing shall come at the hands of England in the quarter-finals. On penalties.

Man to watch: Gerard Pique. If you watch him enough you might get to see his wife too; Austrian singer Conchita Wurst.

Did you know? Nobody expected Spain’s dominance of world football!