ARSENAL FAN CLAIMS TO HAVE BEEN BEHIND/CALLING FOR THE HEAD OF ARSENE WENGER FOR YEARS (delete as appropriate)

Arsenal fan Mike Rowland has claimed that other fans are merely jumping on the bandwagon that he set rolling years ago in voicing their support/demanding the resignation of manager Arsene Wenger.

Arsene Wenger: Adored/Hated by his club's fans

Following on from the team’s excellent win/poor defeat at the weekend, Rowland went on record saying “I’ve been telling everyone this for years, Wenger is the best thing/worst thing to ever happen to this club and how anyone can contemplate the idea of sacking him/sticking with him is beyond me.”

Rowland believes it’s time fans at the Emirates begin to all pull in the same direction and support their side/voice their displeasure.

“I’ve been coming here for years now and have been saying it for nearly as many, Wenger is doing a fantastic job/doesn’t know what he’s doing. All these Johnny-come-latelies spout all kinds of stuff about how we should sack him/offer him a new contract but what do they know? Nothing. They’re just jumping on the popular bandwagon that I set in motion.”

Rowland goes on talk about striker Olivier Giroud and how fans supporting/lambasting him are only doing it after they hear knowledgeable fans such as himself doing it first.

"Giroud has been fantastic/terrible. People criticise/praise him and it's a load of rubbish. He has scored so many/few goals when we've needed him to and it's just another nail in the coffin of these so-called fans who know nothing about the game and just follow the popular opinion and flavour of the week."

Be sure to check back after Arsenal’s next game, when this article will still apply provided you cross out the right parts of it.

LEICESTER CITY PROMOTION COMPLETES TALE OF CRISP MAKERS COME GOOD

On Saturday the 5^th of April 2014, Leicester City were promoted to the Premier League under the guidance of manager Nigel Pearson.

Whilst the club celebrated this, it was also a time for reflection as they looked back on their remarkable rise from humble crisp makers, to English football’s elite.

Remarkable indeed, it was as recently as 2011 that the club’s best known features were cheese and onion, salt and vinegar and ready salted, not David Nugent and Kasper Schmeichel.

Formed in 2002, Leicester City produced crisps of the highest standard, under the supervision of English crisp aficionado Gary Lineker whilst at the weekends, an offshoot football team was formed by the workforce to mild success.

The moderate success of the football team saw The Foxes (so named for how they monopolised the English crisp market by out-foxing the competition) build a stadium in the city for the team to play at and this investment saw the footballing side of the club grow in popularity.

The house that King Power I of Kuwait built.

It was though, in 2011 that the potential of Leicester as a football club was truly unlocked. The modern trend of rich Middle Eastern owners found Leicester too as royalty set its sights on the club and it was bought by the King of Kuwait, Power I.

Power’s assets and influence saw ambitions of reaching the English top-flight and despite protestations from the board that they should be focusing on the crisp manufacturing industry, investment was made in the football team and their star truly began to rise, with King Power allowing the team to play in his personal stadium and culminating in this season’s championship winning effort.

Even manager Nigel Pearson has his own rags to riches tale to complement his team’s. In 2008 he was cleaning boots at then-lowly Southampton before being sacked for doing a good job and replaced by a Dutchman.

Pearson though believes it was a blessing in disguise as he relocated to Leicester and began work in the crisp factories, taking over control of the burgeoning workforce football team and just under six years later, he has guided them to a medium level of English football glory.

A story to warm the cockles of your heart.

Packet of Ready Salted? Coming right up.

IBRAHIMOVIC CALLED ON TO END ‘DARE TO ZLATAN’ CAMPAIGN

Paris Saint-Germain and Sweden superstar Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been called on to end his so-called ‘Dare To Zlatan’ campaign after fears it has spiraled out of control.

Two people have so far been killed attempting audacious footballing feats and it is worried that more may follow unless the campaign is ended.

21 year old Simon Francis from Eastbourne died whilst attempting an overhead kick jumping off a bridge over a bypass and his friend Marvin White, who initially ‘Dared’ Simon, died attempting his own ‘Dare To Zlatan’ when he tried a diving header over a tank of man-eating piranha.

The premise of the craze is to attempt an outrageous piece of skill and then ‘Dare’ your friends to do likewise, usually resulting in people trying to out-do one another and attempt something more outrageous than the person before.

One notorious ‘Zlatanation’ was this video of someone who had been ‘Dared’ successfully playing keepy-uppy across 6 lanes of motorway traffic and then turning on a sixpence and shooting the ball on the volley in to a goal back on the side that they started.

 People need to decide who they really want to emulate.

Now parents and other, less talented footballers are trying to step in to curb this craze before more people perish in their attempts to ‘Zlatan’. Mick Mills is chairperson of the ‘Dare To Cleverley’ foundation:

“It’s time that someone took a stand and spoke out against, what we can only hope, is a passing fad. Kids are out there trying to do ridiculous things with a football and it has to stop before more get hurt. I heard about one kid who broke his hand after setting fire to a football and then trying a bicycle kick whilst riding a unicycle. It’s utterly ludicrous.

We appreciate Ibrahimovic is a talented football player but he is a terrible role model, we’d much prefer kids were modeling themselves on someone like Tom Cleverley and just trying to complete passes over distances no more than 10 yards.”

At TIF News Desk we'd love to see your attempts at Daring to 'Zlatan'. Tell us about them in the comments below!

MANCHESTER UNITED ASKED TO REVOKE ‘THEATRE OF DREAMS’ MONIKER.

Reports have emerged today that The Sandman, responsible for helping millions of children to fall asleep at night, has asked Manchester United to cease referring to Old Trafford as the ‘Theatre of Dreams’.

Despite being the scene of many a triumphant performance for the club, since the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson United’s home ground has been as much a place for nightmares as dreams.

Many place blame on Ferguson’s hand-picked replacement David Moyes, who has since been removed from his position but The Sandman feels the damage has been done to his good name and has asked that the club stop using the Theatre of Dreams name until they have turned things around and people stop associating dreams with the downturn of one of football’s most successful clubs.

Fans want to get away from seeing this when they close their eyes

“It’s making my job seriously difficult. I was working in Eccles the other week and this young girl, a big Manchester United fan, was having trouble getting to sleep. I told her that I could help and that she would soon be asleep and dreaming and she suddenly sat bolt upright. She was terrified at the idea of dreaming after being at Old Trafford the weekend before. For a lot of these fans, dreams have now become synonymous with despair.”

The Sandman has insisted that once the club’s fortunes have been turned around he would be happy to allow the club to use the nickname again but for now he has asked they consider others and refrain from using it.

“It took me a long time to rebuild my reputation after that Metallica song ‘Enter Sandman’ and I can’t afford to be in a position of needing to do that again.”

In the meantime we'll take suggestions as to what you think the club should nickname the ground in the comments section or talk to us on Twitter

PORT VALE TO CONTINUE TRIALLING ‘FIGHT CLUB’

League One club Port Vale say they plan to continue the trialling of their in-house ‘fight club’ despite injuries sustained to players.

Earlier this month the club, currently ninth in the league, began the plan to psych their players up for games by having them fight each other in training however the scheme was in some question after captain Doug Loft suffered injuries during a bout meaning he would miss the remainder of the season.

Defender Daniel Jones, with whom Loft’s match-up was with, was later that week sacked by the club after talking about the scheme too much.

Yes, it's from fighting. Yes, he's okay with it

Vale have now confirmed that they are pleased with the overall results so far and will continue to trial it and make refinements.

“It’s a bit rough around the edges right now” said a spokesperson for The Valiants. “It’s bare-knuckle and the rounds usually last for 2 minutes a time. It’s a great way to get everyone fired up, even some of the coaching staff have joined in.”

“Obviously the injury to Doug was a shame but look, our next game we went and won 1-0 so the proof is in the pudding really, isn’t it?”

Vale then lost their next game at promotion chasing Rotherham but they insist that despite the setbacks, the scheme is reaping its rewards.

“We’ve gone away to Rotherham and lost to a late goal but we were fighting until the very end. Some might ask if we’re okay going out every Saturday with cuts and bruises but to be honest some of the lads came away with worse when we had to play Burton Albion last season. Some might say it’s not a good way to fire the players up but I say to those people; come down to the training ground on Monday and I’ll punch you really hard in the face and you’ll soon change your tune.”

Southampton accused of using genetically modified players

The much heralded youth academy at Southampton is on the verge of being shut down after reports leaked that the club has been charged with growing genetically modified footballers in order to boost their success.

A spokesperson from the FA released this statement:

“We've been keeping a close eye on proceedings down there as to be honest the amount of players they've been producing isn't natural. Theo Walcott? Adam Lallana? Gareth Bale? Do me a favour, Man Utd produce Tom Cleverley and you’re going to tell me there’s nothing fishy going on at Southampton?”

Must be something in the water.

Walcott, Lallana and Bale are just three of a large number of players to come from the Southampton youth system and go on to achieve top-flight success and this is nothing new, as the FA spokesperson goes on to say:

“Let’s look at it; Wayne Bridge, Gareth Bale, and now Luke Shaw, they’ve clearly had the left back genetics nailed down for years. We don’t know exactly how they’re doing it but we broke in to Staplewood [Southampton’s training facility] and found rows upon rows of human sized pods with all these gizmos hooked up to them and there was some sort of pit where they keep the rejects.”

Indeed, some say that the oft-told story of Ali Dia [the bloke who pretended he was George Weah’s cousin] is in fact a cover-up, an embarrassing story to hide the astonishing truth and that Dia was actually an escapee from Staplewood.

It wouldn’t even be the only time something went wrong with the Saints despicable practices. After Alan Shearer spent time with the club as a youngster, side-effects of the club’s procedures caused his arms to raise themselves involuntarily every time he scored a goal. 

Norwich City appoint Shaman and Wizard

Increasingly desperate Norwich City are expected to announce later today the appointment of a Mongolian shaman and a wizard from Torquay in a bid to boost their team’s survival hopes.

Shaman Babou Nyekitan previous worked praying for good weather conditions for his town’s farms just outside Mongolian capital Ulan Bator however he also has experience of summoning wildebeests and camels to unleash upon enemies and it is these qualities that are believed to have attracted the Canaries in their fight for survival.

What's that? They've got a wolf playing for them? I'm in.

Wizard Eldorn Trybeard is believed to be adept at potion brewing though what his day to day role will entail is not yet known. His appointment has been labeled controversial after a team dispatched by the FA to determine whether Trybeard’s potions contravened any drug laws were turned in to newts. Trybeard was heard exclaiming from his tower that the FA should consider its actions more closely before sending people on to his land without prior arrangement.

Caretaker boss Neil Adams had this to say regarding the pending appointments.

“Look, I’ve been brought in at a tough time for the club and to be honest, we need a bleeding miracle. The board told me a fresh approach was required and that I should try and stir things up a bit so that’s what I’ve done. Quite frankly I think Suarez and Sturridge are going to piss themselves when they see the kind of things this shaman fella can do.