Southampton accused of using genetically modified players

The much heralded youth academy at Southampton is on the verge of being shut down after reports leaked that the club has been charged with growing genetically modified footballers in order to boost their success.

A spokesperson from the FA released this statement:

“We've been keeping a close eye on proceedings down there as to be honest the amount of players they've been producing isn't natural. Theo Walcott? Adam Lallana? Gareth Bale? Do me a favour, Man Utd produce Tom Cleverley and you’re going to tell me there’s nothing fishy going on at Southampton?”

Must be something in the water.

Walcott, Lallana and Bale are just three of a large number of players to come from the Southampton youth system and go on to achieve top-flight success and this is nothing new, as the FA spokesperson goes on to say:

“Let’s look at it; Wayne Bridge, Gareth Bale, and now Luke Shaw, they’ve clearly had the left back genetics nailed down for years. We don’t know exactly how they’re doing it but we broke in to Staplewood [Southampton’s training facility] and found rows upon rows of human sized pods with all these gizmos hooked up to them and there was some sort of pit where they keep the rejects.”

Indeed, some say that the oft-told story of Ali Dia [the bloke who pretended he was George Weah’s cousin] is in fact a cover-up, an embarrassing story to hide the astonishing truth and that Dia was actually an escapee from Staplewood.

It wouldn’t even be the only time something went wrong with the Saints despicable practices. After Alan Shearer spent time with the club as a youngster, side-effects of the club’s procedures caused his arms to raise themselves involuntarily every time he scored a goal.