WORLD CUP PREVIEW: GROUP C

With the 2014 World Cup tournament now just 6 days away, TIF News Desk are previewing the competition group by group and team by team.

We move on today to Group C, a group somewhat overshadowed by evil plans, robotic boots and a race against time to see the guilty punished.

Colombia

Some media outlets have done as far as to say that without injured striker Radamel Falcao, Colombia’s World Cup dreams lie in tatters.

And it has transpired that this may indeed be the case. Head coach Jose Pekerman admitted this week that he had been so focused on the Monaco man’s race to be fit, that he had forgotten to name the rest of his squad for the tournament.

As such, many of Colombia’s other star names had already made holiday plans for June and July, and are now no longer able to compete at the finals in Brazil. Inter midfielder Fredy Guarin is on holiday in Tunisia, River Plate forward Teofilo Gutierrez is visiting his mum in Bogota during the group stage games while captain Mario Yepes has a lovely two week break at Butlins planned.

Pekerman resisted calls for him to stand down from his position though, stating that with the depleted squad now available to him, he would likely be playing in midfield himself for the opening game with Greece.

TIFND prediction: Colombia’s unexpected hardship has thrown their campaign in to disarray but Jose Pekerman is a wily old fox with a wicked free kick. He will end the tournament their top scorer and, given the circumstances, it will be a respectable performance as Colombia narrowly miss out on qualification from Group C.

Man to watch: Jackson Martinez. The striker had his right foot replaced with an actual traction engine. Expect some liquid football from him.

Did you know? The Colombian flag was designed by Donatella Versace as a tasteful skirt to be worn at the beach.

Greece

Greece’s poor showings at their two previous World Cup finals appearances have led head coach Fernando Santos to resort to desperate measures.

Santos has called in a favour from boot manufacturer Umbro, with whom TIF News Desk understands he has a brother working in the research & development department, and gotten his hands on new prototype boots yet to be released.

The Umbro Footballer 1.2 uses the latest in robotics and game probability mapping to read the game situation and move themselves in the direction required for the player, based on which position the boots are set for; goalkeeper, defender, midfielder, winger or striker. Something sure to give the Greeks an advantage.

However, the prototype boots are believed to still have several bugs in the process of being ironed out, the most major of which is the boots are unable to tell teammates  apart from opponents and so will often cause players to tackle each other despite being on the same side.

Whether Santos, and Umbro, can solve these problems before the tournament kicks off remains to be seen.

TIFND prediction: The Greeks technological advantage will see them start strongly, drawing with Colombia and beating Japan however during their final group game their prototype boots will encounter interference from radio transmitters and cease to work, allowing the Ivory Coast to run out 11-1 winners and Greece to crash out at the group stages once again.

Man to watch: Sokratis Papastathopoulos. To see if any commentator can pronounce his name at the first attempt.

Did you know? During thunderstorms in Greece, the entire country breaks out in song.

Ivory Coast

Everything was going well for the Ivory Coast after they defeated Senegal to qualify for the World Cup finals.

However, over the past few months rumours have begun to circulate that the squad claiming to be the Ivory Coast are not from the Ivory Coast at all.

TIF News Desk has obtained exclusive photos in a brown envelope that showed meetings between Ivorian officials and a shady looking character with slicked back hair and sunglasses.

It is believed that the nature of the meeting was to discuss sending a team of imposters to improve their chances of success. We have managed to uncover that the entire Ivory Coast squad is in fact from Cote D’Ivoire.

Time is running out before the start of the tournament and we have dispatched our agent, Back Jauer, to uncover the proof we need.

TIFND prediction: TIF News Desk promises that we will get to the bottom of this and get hold of the evidence we need to see the ‘Ivory Coast’ thrown out of the tournament.

Man to watch: Midfielder Yaya Toure, as we crank up the heat on him, withholding birthday cards and cake from him until he breaks and tells us everything.

Did you know? The official language of the Ivory Coast is French.

Japan

Japan’s plan for World Cup success in 2014 began a few years back when devious head coach Alberto Zaccheroni hatched a plan to imbue his squad with the footballing talent of some of the best players in the world via the medium of an enchanted football.

Entrusted to Japanese players plying their trade across the globe, the ball has been making the rounds and sapping the ability from players with the purpose of then passing it on to the Japanese squad once the tournament begins.

And whilst some have cast doubts as to whether such a plan could work, people need only look at the demise of certain players and it becomes clear that something is afoot. Spain’s Fernando Torres has gone from being a world beater at Liverpool to being ineffectual at Chelsea whilst Dutch goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg, once a respected player, is now a laughing stock at Fulham.

It is not known how many players in total have been affected, Nicklas Bendtner has claimed he has been a victim of the Japanese though most believe he is simply that bad at football. However many it is though, it is clear that the Japanese are a real threat in this tournament.

TIFND prediction: Japan’s plans will progress well to begin with as they defeat the Ivory Coast however with the aid of a football legend, possibly Pele, a team of cartoon characters will overcome the Japanese and force them to give the talent back to the players from whom they stole it. Japan will then lose their remaining two group games and go out.

Man to watch: Shinji Kagawa, the play-a-maker is a truly evil person, once leaving six people locked in a cellar in Dortmund, Germany.

Did you know? The Japanese government has declared that should the country win the World Cup, the trophy will be melted down to plate coach Zaccheroni’s testicles.